What do you mean you have no current plans for this 2013
Valentine’s Day? Are you kidding? Are you trying to scare me? Well try this one for size, even if you plan
to spend this 2013 Valentine’s Day with yourself you count as your own handsome
Valentine! So don’t let me hear you say
that anymore, this time say confidently,
“I have the most luscious plans to spend this 2013 Valentine’s
Day with a devilishly handsome and passionate man who genuinely cares about me
and will fuss over and pamper me as if I were the only man on earth!”
I’m going to ask you to practise saying that again or until
you start to feel comfortable with loving yourself just that much. Who’d have thought you’d be dating
yourself? Who’d have thought you’d be
dating yourself on, of all days, Valentine’s Day? Well, dating one’s self is actually not a bad
thing as long as you do not lose sight that no matter how handsome you are, no
matter how much others try to tempt you to spend time with them on this amorous
day, no matter how many preemptive gifts of candy, jewelry, champagne, caviar
and other fine things begin to clutter your front door stoop and mailbox you
have to remain true to the one true love of your life, the one who’s been there
for you when everybody had given up or forgot…. Stop fighting it, you can do
it! Go on and say it! It’s you…You’re
the prize! Yes you handsome… you! So as soon as you can bring yourself to come
to terms with just how wonderful you are I suggest that you go through all of
those Valentine’s Day offerings and make up your goddamed, indecisive mind who
you want to spend this 2013 Valentine’s Day with! You only have a few days left and every
minute another sexy hunk gets taken off the market! Go on and do it Man! Make this thing
happen. Summon your macho, sexy
superhuman hunk powers and use them for good!
Make somebodies day, even and especially if it ends up being your own…. But worst case scenario if you really took
my ad seriously and decided to spend this 2013 Valentine’s Day completely
alone, pampering yourself with all the earthly
pleasures and creature comforts a man could dream of… the least thing you could
do is invite or even better treat a BROTHA to that great “Bonfire Of The
Vanities!” you have planned…
OK I know this article was supposed to be a self-help
article focused on planning and executing a perfect Valentine’s Day that you
would remember for the rest of your life but when did I ever stick to a topic? I know I was supposed to offer suggestions
for the perfect Valentine’s theme, outfit, rendezvous and retreat but I did
that last year and nobody listened! So
this year I’m taking a new approach to the whole business of finding that
special date for Valentine’s Day and making his heart spin 365! I’m not going to try to convince you to
surprise him or collaborate with him on that special date. I’m not going to ask you to purchase special
silk and satin boxers and fiendishly sexy men’s lingerie to show off after you
peel out of your brutishly debonair Valentine’s Day ensemble.
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I wouldn’t
dare ask you to play specially selected music or buy new satin sheets or
expensive bubble bath, or massage oils because we already discussed that in
last year’s essay. And just because we’ve
already fully vetted the concept of cooking something special just for, “Him”,
if only a ridiculously extravagant and erotically scintillating dessert or
edible bodywear I’ll not even mention it this year. What do I take you for anyway a fool? How many times do I think I have to mention
to shower with that especially masculine body scrub and follow up with that
mango or chocolate body butter just before spraying on that cologne with the
most testosterone laden aroma you could ever attempt to hypnotize a man with? No! No! You definitely should not have gone
ahead and ordered those hot, manly bikini briefs with the matching tee and hat!
Are you trying to get something sexual started!
Are you as ashamed of yourself as I am of you for making sure to lightly
oil your skin to a dull manly sheen, to apply the most delicious lip balm just
in case you kiss for hours and hours and for making sure you had a champagne
bucket right beside the bed and the sofa with a backup of two bottles just in
case you decide to get a little buzzed and peel him out of that silk robe you
got him with your lips and teeth?
Well since we’ve got beyond all that I guess I can go ahead
and tell you that it is really about how you carve out the role of Valentine
that ultimately makes the difference between a mundane experience and one that
you can’t even talk about with your boys… Just remember that when you’re eating
the Godiva dark chocolate almond clusters from his belly button… after spilling
some Godiva dark and white chocolate liquor over his chest! And don’t even try to clean up the mess with
a mouth full of well chilled extra brut champagne because none of this was even
supposed to happen… Correction! None of
this is ever going to happen because you did not have time to flirt with, to
meet and greet, to get to know and cultivate a friendship with that handsome,
witty, cavalier, muscle-mountain of a man who, whether he is you or some other
eligible bachelor or even your husband or boyfriend is the very personification
of that lusty dream of a Valentine’s Day Prince…
Chances are you already know who this dashing man is, you’ve
seen him a thousand times or would have if you had only been looking and
serious… Well… maybe not… Maybe that erotic Valentine’s Day card you got him,
the one with the key to your house and your un-lockable jock strap in it, the
one you put in the black and brown gift bag with the sex dice, the edible
handcuffs, the edible cock ring, the edible neck collar and the glow in the
dark heat up and cool off lube was all for naught! Maybe you’re not ready to surprise him by
serving him Valentine ’s Day dessert in the buff. Who am I to judge you? I hardly even know you. I don’t think you’re up to the task of
recording every minute of hot lovemaking to watch between sessions anyway… it’s
beneath you. You're going to hand him a
generic Valentine’s Day card you got from the drug store, appall him with a
flavorless Valentines fruit torte you got from the grocery store and then put
him to sleep with a series of predictable and I daresay lamentable antics from
some dry sitcom or soap opera you’ve seen on cable…
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My final advice to you, if
you are going to take the path of least resistance is to simply do
nothing! The cleaners won’t have to
glare at you strangely when you don’t bring the silk sheets to them stained in
chocolate and mango and coconut. The
cleaning lady will not cock her eye at you curiously when she finds pieces of
edible underwear and sex toys all over the house. The neighbors can forget having to call 911 when
their 12 year old daughter sees you licking the chocolate mousse off your boyfriend’s
nude body on the dining room table after you left the curtains wide open… Since you’re traveling light you’ll not have
to manage any of the wild Valentine’s Day aftershock. Hell, you might even make it into the office
an hour early the next morning.
But whatever you do, even if it requires no work, no plans…
please have the very sexiest Valentine’s Day you possibly can…
Ciao!
Written by David Vollin
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